Several Ages Ago

And with one single rotation of a calendar’s cycle, the feelings returned, the memories resurfaced. Every room that you graced with your toxic presence spurted visions that made you seem better; loveable, cute, funny… perfect almost. Visions of you in your former days, before I found out who you really were. Strolling through the god damned food court I remember where you sipped your can of Fanta as always, and ate your quarter pounder and fries, while playfully knocking at my foot under the table. With one single message and glance at her profile, I see you. And her. And all of the things that we used to do together. Train rides, lunch, tight embraces, movie days, shoulder leaning, tourist photos, Skype conversations, art gallery hopping, cheek kisses. It’s funny how you bought her my roller skates. And how you’re hugging her in that same shirt I picked out for you on sale…

I don’t really know what this feeling is because I got over you long ago, when the tears ran dry and the hurt was stitched up and healed by my own logic and self assurance that you were no good for me. That your divided attention proved you didn’t care enough. Why must you keep reappearing? I am peaceful and happy, and then out of the blue every few months, a reminder. You know me well but not completely, anymore. I have grown and changed for the better and for the worse. I have the ability to see negativity, now, thanks. But I also have the ability to write a band- six worthy extension English essay. Most importantly of all, I know that my worth cannot be dictated by any person.

I miss what it was, and I miss who I thought you were, basically. But can you please go away now? I don’t need any more reminders. I’ve felt genuine happiness before you and after you and so I know I’m more than okay. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m alone and bored and that you were in the wrong and still managed to find ultimate joy. A glint of jealousy? I don’t know, I can’t help it. Sometimes in life, feelings so sharp cannot pass us by without scathing us a little and I guess that no matter the time gap, that is the consequence of handing over your heart. What I do know is that I’m excited for the future… I’m pretty agitated and worried, too, but expectant, nevertheless. For fresh insights as the glorious world unveils herself, for talents to develop, for potential to be reached and for new relationships to be created and to thrive, when the season reigns ripe. Although you were an asshole, I’m glad you’re happy. Just don’t be a dick to her. Be good. Be real.

  • Note: this is a throwback to 16 yr old me, being emotional. The feels no longer exist, but this was a period of high emotional trauma. It’s kind of interesting to re- read HAHA

Thankful

blog photo new year  2015 was a period of anticipation, of dread and of sleepless preparation. The final year that would determine the ease and angle by which we would settle into our futures, as adults. A year of lasts- goodbyes to 10 year friendships that developed in the classroom, to catching the school bus every morning, goodbye to the whole learning- under a paid authority- experience; we said farewell to a high level of dependency. I am so so incredibly grateful for the months of lockdown and dread (lol this is true) because it led to the greatest feeling- that we could finally celebrate our endurance of that dread. Each celebratory holiday, dinner, formal, ceremony, party, high five, hug, ‘congratulations’ and smile- well earned, appreciated and remembered forever. More than anything, I am thankful for the relationships that were strengthened and bound by a unique type of support- the kind that embraces you with ‘We’re both horrified and sitting in cow’s dung, but at least we’re sitting in it together’. Seeing confidence, resilience, maturity and straight out ‘tough’ sprout at an unearthly speed from within the people around me. I am grateful because 2015 was the challenge that we accepted and sliced with a dodgy table knife into a thousand pieces, and I am now very excited, because 2016 will be the reward that we reap. And although I was distant and distracted this year, God was always there, helping me along. Always, every time. SO BLESSED.‪#‎HAPPYNEWYEAR‬ ‪#‎sothankful‬ ‪#‎idontapologiseformybadanalogies ‬‪#‎andpoorexpression‬ ‪#‎essayover‬

Insignificant Observations on Tuesday at 16:14

 The exact stream from my mind…

 

A 50 minute journey from shopping mania back to the suburbs shall take place in this carriage. Please God, no strange or creepy people this time. Next stop: Redfern. You sit a few rows behind an older woman with messy tangles of salon-dyed hair trimmed into a bob wearing thick gold sleepers, Rudolph bobble head pen in hand, trying to solve a crossword puzzle in a magazine that offers an antique brooch of a smiling kitten for the prize just as you bite into the sweet part of your so-far- sour nectarine. Eating on the train is legal, right? Scan scan scan for the red stickers on the wall- keep your feet off the seats, thoughtfully dispose of your rubbish- yes good, eating is fine. You notice a guy with a scruffy auburn beard in a red flannelette shirt raising the earphone cables that are attached to his scratched up MP3 player because they probably need to be elevated in that particular way for the wires to actually let music pass through and just then you gaze out from the glass and notice from afar- the fresh green lawns of people’s front gardens speeding past, small leafy shrubs dancing to the sweet whistling of the breeze and releasing their loose leaves to freely fly across the earth. Oh no, Mr Flannelette, you are sitting directly in front of me, please do not scratch your less- than- clean- looking hair right above me- Christmas is over and I do not appreciate free showers of snow. A recurring pattern; that odd person at every station who chooses to sit at the very end- cross- legged on the dirty public ground, rustling through their bag for something difficult to find. And oh crap don’t you hate it when bits of the nectarine catch in the gaps of your teeth and just stick there, entirely out of place and ridiculously irritating. Get out.

Don’t, so That You May Do..

Thought of the day:

“Don’t let the way you feel dictate the way you act”.

To rehash the cliche; feelings truly are as turbulent and ever- changing as the weather and are therefore unreliable to support important decisions. Use the intent you have for goodwill, for peace, for love and for the best possible outcome to anchor your choices. If you desire long- lasting, positive results, make a pledge with your MIND to go for it, routinely. To not only remain in pursuit of the goal but to thrive- mind, body and spirit.

Do not surrender to the instability of moods- ‘ugh my pms’/ ‘ugh today is not my day’/ ‘ugh this bad thing happened to me’/ ‘ugh this person’/ ‘ugh I’m tired’/ ‘ugh I’m sore’/ ‘ugh it’s not my job’/ ‘ugh I’ll do it tomorrow’— the list of ‘ughs’ will go on forever and you allegiance to such an untrustworthy dictator will cast your dreams to the bottom of the sea.

Good morning Freedom, it's time to chase you!To whomever might read or glance at this post:
May my firmest handshake and warmest smile be with you.

My current position: I graduated from high school last week and in accordance with traditional expectation, I have been swarmed with the questions- both inquisitive and obligatory- from family, friends and acquaintances of ‘what do ya wanna be when ya grow up?’ and ‘are you going to uni?’. My response was always a shrug of the shoulders followed by an ‘I have no clue’, however as the questioning became more frequent I felt compelled to make a decision. Seventeen years young and required to know the position I would like to be in, twenty, thirty, forty years ahead of time- a big ask I must say.

I decided to tackle this tangle of guesswork and confusion with the foundational step of ‘self discovery’. Completing online quizzes entitled “Know Yourself” and “My Dream Career” etc. My listed personality traits and interests led me down paths that included journalism, human relations, event management, public communication and so on. Long story of my ambitions short: I’m planning to just go with it. Some of these options will be on my course preference list for uni. Nobody really knows what they’re about to get themselves into when they’re seventeen and inexperienced. They seem interesting and yay I get to write stuff. I feel excited and expectant and so this blog post and corresponding image marks the beginning of my future in the ADULT WORLD. WOO HOO!! 🙂 😀

The future is undoubtedly near.. and it begins in this very moment as I click ‘publish’. So hold onto your seats, folks, cause things are about to get REAL.