And with one single rotation of a calendar’s cycle, the feelings returned, the memories resurfaced. Every room that you graced with your toxic presence spurted visions that made you seem better; loveable, cute, funny… perfect almost. Visions of you in your former days, before I found out who you really were. Strolling through the god damned food court I remember where you sipped your can of Fanta as always, and ate your quarter pounder and fries, while playfully knocking at my foot under the table. With one single message and glance at her profile, I see you. And her. And all of the things that we used to do together. Train rides, lunch, tight embraces, movie days, shoulder leaning, tourist photos, Skype conversations, art gallery hopping, cheek kisses. It’s funny how you bought her my roller skates. And how you’re hugging her in that same shirt I picked out for you on sale…
I don’t really know what this feeling is because I got over you long ago, when the tears ran dry and the hurt was stitched up and healed by my own logic and self assurance that you were no good for me. That your divided attention proved you didn’t care enough. Why must you keep reappearing? I am peaceful and happy, and then out of the blue every few months, a reminder. You know me well but not completely, anymore. I have grown and changed for the better and for the worse. I have the ability to see negativity, now, thanks. But I also have the ability to write a band- six worthy extension English essay. Most importantly of all, I know that my worth cannot be dictated by any person.
I miss what it was, and I miss who I thought you were, basically. But can you please go away now? I don’t need any more reminders. I’ve felt genuine happiness before you and after you and so I know I’m more than okay. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m alone and bored and that you were in the wrong and still managed to find ultimate joy. A glint of jealousy? I don’t know, I can’t help it. Sometimes in life, feelings so sharp cannot pass us by without scathing us a little and I guess that no matter the time gap, that is the consequence of handing over your heart. What I do know is that I’m excited for the future… I’m pretty agitated and worried, too, but expectant, nevertheless. For fresh insights as the glorious world unveils herself, for talents to develop, for potential to be reached and for new relationships to be created and to thrive, when the season reigns ripe. Although you were an asshole, I’m glad you’re happy. Just don’t be a dick to her. Be good. Be real.
- Note: this is a throwback to 16 yr old me, being emotional. The feels no longer exist, but this was a period of high emotional trauma. It’s kind of interesting to re- read HAHA